Dan Doesn't Die.

<rant>

Jealousy fucking pisses me off more than anything. By that I would mean of course my OWN jealousy because I know it’s not an easily controlled emotion.

That hollow pressure behind your rib cage god *#(&$)@ what the hell.

I’m a rationalist, or at least I aspire to be. Now, that isn’t to say that emotions are irrational- no, they’re perfectly rational. But they can easily inspire irrational thought. Yes, “spontaneously jump to conclusions” they say! “Make ungrounded assumptions” they insist.

It’s at least a consolation that I’m usually aware enough of my biases not to act on them. Benefit of the doubt is the cardinal rule. But I still make an ass of myself sometimes.

And yet I still haven’t found that magical mindset that will let me drop the emotional daggering altogether. I can rationally examine myself as much as I want, but that can’t stop me from experiencing petty human emotion.

Well, at least ranting about it can change whatever it is into anger instead. Is that better? I think anger dissipates more readily. Yes, listen to me making assessments on the science of quantitative emotional discharge.

But this is what it is to be human! What’s so great about being human, though? I bet a tapir likes being a tapir more than the prospect of becoming a human (or anything else for that matter). Of course a human would root for humanity.

“But you’re wrong; I’d become an elf if given the chance! Or a dwarf or a lamia!” No, you would like to become the form of an elf, a dwarf, a bear, an amoeba, etc. You would undoubtedly still want to be you though. The mind, the self, the soul is sacred. Hell, I don’t even think I’d want to become myself minus all the negative emotions I hate. Who would that make me? I need them for perspective. I just don’t like dealing with them.

</rant>

God damn fucking chemicals. 

Well that’s it, I’ve moved everything out of my apartment except what I’m taking to China. Cleaned up the spots on the carpet, vacuumed, scrubbed the bathroom, touched up the walls.

I’ve got seven hard boiled eggs as my only source of food until my flight on Monday morning, although my friend has to drop me off at the airport early Sunday night (shh don’t tell my parents).

36 hours and counting.

I am so bored…

Turdle and I have been building a world about trees. And I just thought up some really freaking cool stuff.

GOTTA HURRY UP AND GET TO CHINA SO I CAN TELL TURDLE.

Just attended the honors convocation. Yep. Got my shiny medallion WOOOOOO (it’s not that exciting anymore).

So the ceremony’s trucking along just fine and then- and then we come to a speaker that preaches to us about how to live life and achieve happiness. They urge us to “seek responsibility in vocation, faith, family, and community” because these are the four things supposedly found to provide the deepest sense of satisfaction and fulfillment in life.

I was cringing audibly at this point.

They go on to elucidate upon each of the points, predictably spending a great majority of the time on the importance of “faith.” Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole speech was contrived around this bit of evangelism. After all, certain religions do tend to like wrapping themselves up in the guise of more worthy agendas.

Anyways, the bit that really got my goat was their affirmation that “people who are more religious tend to be happier.” “Religion teaches you to think of others and not only yourself. Those who suffer depression find it much harder to rise out of it when they only think about themselves.” [/paraphrased]

You know what else some religions love to do? Steal credit for things that their precious religion is not the origin of. Correlation is not causation. I’ll summarize this article for brevity’s sake:

• Community (i.e. regularly socializing with like-minded people) is the real source of benefit here. This means that a non-religious person in a community that values religion highly experiences a penalty while the religious individual a bonus, and vice versa for a non-religious community.
• Religious communities are most beneficial in a poor economic climate.
• The happiest nations in the world (as well as best quality of life) are also among the least religious.

Sigh. Well whatever, back to packing.

But you know, it really is offensive to me as an atheist being forced to endure religious pandering EVEN at university graduation ceremonies.

These few days before final grades have to be submitted are turning out to be just as stressful as the past few weeks. There’s a chance I might qualify for cum laude honors (in which case I get a shiny medallion) but I’m currently teetering on the brink where every grade point matters.

I literally could miss it by a third of a letter grade in a single class! It’s pretty exciting, to be honest.

Recently I’ve been feeling more and more conscious of my time and how it’s spent. Maybe because of finals, impending China trip? The end of my easy-peasy college caweesy and the complete abundance of free time that came with it?

So I have this thought. Somehow I suddenly know that I will die in the next few minutes but, as if I were shifted to the passenger seat, I can only continue doing what I had been occupied with just before this revelation: browsing the web or absentmindedly staring at nothing in a haze of muddled thoughts because I’m sleepy but don’t want to sleep yet? GOD. That would be so painful.

Good night.

Tonight I finished the final exam of my long standing career as a student. Graduation commencement in T-4 days.

I resolved quite a while back that this blog would be more of an open journal than anything. No fan service, no reblogs, no casting my line for followers. I liked that romantic idea of independence.

Of course you get very little attention doing this and, more than once, I’ve wondered whether or not I should be more flexible and try to attract people. I’m not exactly sure how I would do that, but I heard on the internet that “the only way to be a successful blogger is by being too sexy for your shirt, or by networking with other bloggers.” 

Objectively speaking, I’m no Right Said Fred. Plus, I’ve just never liked the idea of taking pictures of myself unless I’m actually doing something. As far as networking goes, I think I’ll just let that occur naturally.

In any case I’m stubborn so that’s just how it’s gonna be. To anyone that actually takes the time to read anything I post, I won’t say “thank you” (which implies you’re doing me some sort of strange favor) but I do appreciate it. Forreals yo!